With tears in my eyes, I watched how my fiancé rode away in the Greyhound bus with a one-way ticket destined to Florida. I never saw him again. We had been together for several years and I was positive that he was “the one.” Sadly, a few years earlier, he became addicted to a harmful substance.
I was very young and naïve. I noticed Greg was behaving differently, but I had no idea what was going on with him. Greg’s behavior worsened. He became extremely jealous, paranoid, angry, depressed, and irresponsible. One day, I caught him having a conversation with his television. That’s when I decided that I was no longer going to put myself through that. Many times when a loved one is going through a hard time we desperately want to “save them”. For months, I tried to “save Greg”, but all in vain. I then realized that I could not save Greg; Greg had to save himself. Today I know the most important reason why I did not stay in the relationship: I love and respect myself. I did not want to stay in a toxic relationship, and I knew I deserved better.
How many times do we stay in a relationship that no longer serves us (or our partners)? We either stay because we hope they will change, feel bad for them, prefer feeling comfortable, or are afraid we will not find a better relationship. We fear the unknown and prefer to be miserable because at least we know what to expect. My Sicilian cousin, Gianni, was in a relationship for over 12 years, and for most of those years it had been an extremely toxic and unhealthy relationship. When I asked why he did not end it, he would always say he felt bad for her. I explained to Gianni that precisely for that reason it wasn’t fair to her, and that the best thing he could do was to end the relationship so she could move on and find someone who truly wanted to be with her. We are doing a disservice by staying in relationships we know are going nowhere. Gianni was standing in the way of his own happiness. Subconsciously, he believed he did not deserve a healthy relationship and that it was too good to be true. It wasn’t until he opened up to the possibility that perhaps his true soul mate was out there waiting for him and understood that relationships are not meant to be a struggle and full of pain. By the grace of God, I convinced him, and he is now in a healthy, loving relationship and recently got engaged. Gianni cannot thank me enough. His ex-girlfriend is now free to find her soul mate as well, rather than staying with someone who simply pitied her.
Too many people live in what I like to call a “life coma.” It seems as if they are living, but they really aren’t. They are just going through the motions. They are in loveless relationships, but make excuses as to why they should stay. “I am doing it for the kids” is a very popular excuse. Quite frankly, I think the best example we can give to our children is to be in loving, positive relationships even if it’s not mommy with daddy. Our children can sense when we are unhappy, so we are setting the example of sacrifice to our children. In essence, we are saying that you must stay in a relationship even if you are miserable for the sake of the kids.
I expected Greg to eventually return healed, so that we could finally get married. However, life had other plans. Months later, I started dating a lovely man named George, fell in love, and for over 12 years we have been going strong. Had you told me at that train station that Greg was not the one I was meant to marry and that someone else was my soul mate, I would have thought you were insane. I believed it with my heart and soul that he was the one. Now I know the true meaning of love, and I could not have chosen a better partner.
Most people go from one relationship to the next. Their deepest fear is to be alone. They act like monkeys; hanging on to the next branch before they let go of the first branch. I do not recommend this. I believe it is essential to take some time off and reflect on the last relationship. We cannot simply blame our ex-partners for what went wrong. We must see what part we played in the relationship as well. Only then, will we truly grow. Chew on this for a bit: are you always attracting partners that cheat, or lie, or criticize you, or___? Then is it safe to say that you have strong beliefs around these issues. If you are always saying things such as “men are all cheaters” please realize that that is exactly what you are going to attract in your life. Our egos want to prove us right, so we keep attracting the same type of people. This all happens on a subconscious level. The only way to break the pattern and avoid this from happening is to do the inner work. Stop looking for your other half, you are not broken! And stop saying you need someone to “complete” you. The more you work on yourself the more you will attract an amazing partner. Alan Cohen says, “When you fall in love with yourself, you will be irresistible to everyone else.”
Please do not settle for less. We are all meant to have blissful, loving, and respectful relationships. Here are some fun exercises that will assist you in attracting your soul mate.
- First you must believe that your soul mate is out there.
- Write a list of your perfect mate’s characteristics, leave nothing out. Write physical and emotional traits. Do you want a partner that supports you in your career? That respects you? That is loyal? Write it all down. Make sure your list is positive and in the present tense, for example, write “my partner is loyal” as opposed to “my partner will never cheat”. This is really important.
- Write a list of the type of person you need to be in order to attract such a wonderful partner in your life. If you want a positive partner, then you cannot be a negative person. Like attracts like. Or if you want a partner that leads a healthy lifestyle you cannot be the type of person that eats chips and watches TV all day. Take steps towards becoming a better version of yourself.
- Know that you DESERVE to have this partner. Write a list of all your wonderful attributes.
- Be happy NOW. Schedule fun things to do such as dinner dates with friends, join a yoga class, read an inspiring book or go on a Spiritual retreat. Do things that nourish your soul. Be grateful for what you have now.
Your soul mate is waiting for you. Are you ready to let them in your life?
Sending you lots of love and positive energy,
Connie Costa is a Writer, Inspirational Speaker & Life-Coach
She leads transformational events and retreats in Beverly Hills, Ojai & Italy